Have you ever found yourself wondering, “Why would they do this to me? I’d never do that to them!” You’re not alone. Many of us have experienced the sting of disappointment when someone doesn’t meet our expectations. For a long time, I believed that expecting something from others was the root of all my emotional pain.
I convinced myself that people didn’t owe me anything — no explanations, no specific behaviors, and no reassurances. Whenever I felt hurt or let down, I blamed myself, thinking, “That’s my fault for expecting too much.”
It seemed logical. Everyone lives their life according to their own rules. Why should they change to meet my expectations?
But as time went on, I realized something profound: I wasn’t entirely wrong, but I wasn’t completely right either.
The Unavoidable Nature of Expectations
No matter how hard we try to ignore it, expectations are a part of who we are. We can't just switch them off like a light. What's interesting is that the closer we are to someone, the stronger our expectations tend to become.
Take a moment to think about your best friend or a close family member. You probably expect them to be there for you when things aren't going well. You assume they’ll remember your birthday or pick up on your feelings without you having to say a word.
But when they don’t meet those expectations — like forgetting to check in on you or making a comment that feels thoughtless — it can hurt deeply. Suddenly, it feels like they've betrayed you.
Here’s something important I’ve come to understand: expectations aren’t just about what we expect from others. They’re also shaped by how others present themselves to us. When people act in certain ways, we naturally start expecting certain things in return.
For example, if someone always responds to my texts almost immediately, I start to expect that every time. But if they don’t reply for a few hours one day, I might feel upset or anxious. Does this mean I know everything that’s happening in their life? No. It’s simply my own assumption at work.
The truth is, our expectations can sometimes cloud our judgment. While it’s natural to expect things from those we care about, we have to remind ourselves that people have their own lives, struggles, and reasons for their actions. Managing these expectations is key to maintaining healthier relationships and understanding one another better.
When Expectations Clash with Reality
The painful reality is that disappointment often comes from not truly knowing the people around us. We tend to form an image of who they are based on the limited interactions we’ve had with them. But when they act in a way that doesn’t fit that image, it can be a shock.
Here’s an example from my own life: I had a colleague named XYZ who was always incredibly supportive at work. She would always have my back during stressful projects, and I came to expect her to be my go-to person whenever I needed help. One day, during a particularly tough deadline, I asked for her support, but she said no.
Her reason? She was swamped with her own tasks.
At first, I felt betrayed. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t help me, especially when I had helped her before. It felt like she had let me down.
But after a moment of reflection, I realized it wasn’t about her letting me down. It was about me expecting her to put my needs before her own, and that wasn’t fair. XYZ wasn’t just the supportive colleague I had in mind; she was also a person with her own boundaries and struggles to manage.
That experience was a wake-up call for me. It taught me that people are complex and multi-dimensional. They can’t always fit into the box we’ve created for them, and that’s something we all need to remember when our expectations clash with reality. We need to accept that others have their own lives, pressures, and challenges, just like we do.
Making Peace with Expectations
So, what should we do with all this understanding about expectations? Should we completely stop expecting things from others?
I don’t think that’s the answer. Instead, I’ve learned to make peace with my expectations. Rather than feeling guilty for having them or getting frustrated when they aren’t met, I’ve started to see expectations as a chance to reflect on myself.
When someone doesn’t meet my expectations, I now ask myself these important questions:
Am I truly seeing this person for who they are, or am I seeing them as who I want them to be?
Did I clearly communicate my needs, or did I just assume they would know what I needed?
This shift in thinking has helped me change my perspective. For example, if a friend cancels plans at the last minute, I remind myself that their actions are showing me what they value and what their limits are. It’s not necessarily about me; it’s about them and what they are able to do in that moment.
By approaching expectations this way, I’ve found that I’m less likely to feel hurt or betrayed. Instead of focusing on what others didn’t do, I focus on understanding their situation and my own role in the relationship. This mindset helps me navigate disappointments with more grace and understanding.
Building Healthier Relationships
This mindset doesn’t only affect how I view others; it also changes how I show up in relationships. I’ve learned to accept that I may not always meet everyone’s expectations, and that’s perfectly okay.
For example, a friend of mine used to expect me to always be available for late-night calls. While I cared about them deeply, I also knew I needed my sleep to feel my best the next day. When I set this boundary and explained it to them, they were initially hurt. But over time, they realized that my decision wasn’t about my feelings toward them—it was about me taking care of myself.
Healthy relationships grow when both people can accept each other for who they truly are, not for who they want each other to be. It’s about finding that balance between respecting boundaries and showing care and understanding for one another.
By being honest about my needs and accepting others’ boundaries, I’ve been able to build stronger, more respectful relationships. The key is clear communication and mutual respect. When both people understand and accept each other’s limits, relationships can thrive without the pressure of unrealistic expectations.
The Takeaway
Expectations can hurt, but they’re also a natural part of how we connect with others. Instead of trying to get rid of them entirely, we can focus on managing them with empathy and self-awareness.
When disappointment hits, here’s something to remind yourself:
It’s not entirely your fault for having expectations. Often, people’s actions set the stage for what we expect from them.
When someone doesn’t meet your expectations, it doesn’t mean they’re bad. It just means they’re different from what you expected.
You’re not obligated to meet everyone else’s expectations. Stay true to yourself, and don’t feel pressured to be someone you’re not.
In the end, we all want to be accepted for who we truly are, not for who others wish we would be. By embracing this idea, we can create relationships that are more real, understanding, and strong.
So, the next time your expectations let you down, take a moment to pause and reflect. It might just be an opportunity to learn and grow — both in understanding others and in learning more about yourself.
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